OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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