At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
last night I used snow as a chaser
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
