8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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