just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
