I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
