Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
