The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
being pregnant is like rehab
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
