i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
