Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
