they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
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Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I AM VODKA MAN
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
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I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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