why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize