Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
MIDGETS
????
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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