You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
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We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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