Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My vagina just recognized that song.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
