I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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