There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
