I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my being single is dangerous.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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