i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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