Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You're a waste of cheezeits
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
