My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
