yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
