If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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