On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
