So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
