why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
