if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
