Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
