Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
