I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
