just tell him i said nine months
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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