the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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