i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
