i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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