goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
