I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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