I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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