can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
