my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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