if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
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He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
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Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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