it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
