I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
