stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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