sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just had sex on a roof
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
