Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
