I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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