K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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