The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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