If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
