He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
