It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
