Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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