The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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