the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
