And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She bit a glass in half.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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