No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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