Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
