Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Randomize
