got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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